Jumper

As much as I'd love to tell you that Hollywood's seasonal crapfest—dubbed the "dump months"—has officially ended with JUMPER, the disappointment continues with this middling action sci-fi pic that's, putting it nicely, kind of a mess, and in more harsh terms, a complete fucking snoozefest.

It kicks off with a grating and wholly unnecessary voiceover narration by Hayden Christensen, which I'm guessing was forced in by the studios since it basically explains everything that's happening on screen for the first ten minutes or so—possibly to assist any mentally deficient viewers in the audience. After seeing him bask in some sunlight on the head on the Sphinx head in Egypt, we cut back to when he was a kid and first discovers his teleportation abilities. Appreciate these moments; they're the only ones with a likable protagonist. Not soon afterwards, the movie cuts forward and he's turned back into the whiny "I don't like sand" guy from the STAR WARS prequels. Oh joy. I used to defend Hayden Christensen, arguing that his so-called bad acting was merely the fault of George Lucas' appalling dialogue, and that anybody needing confirmation of his talents need only check out SHATTERED GLASS. But between LIFE AS A HOUSE, FACTORY GIRL, AWAKE, and now JUMPER, there's no more denying it: this guy is flat-out annoying. It's possible the casting choice was intentional. There is practically no attempt to make this character likable. He's a self-centered douchebag who abandons everyone that cares about him, steals money from banks, and has no desire to use his powers for the good of humanity—not exactly the characteristics of your everyday superhero. As far as plot goes, the dramatic core (or lack thereof) is centered around The O.C.'s Rachel Bilson, playing the girl that Christensen had a boner for as a kid. (Because hey, what good is an action movie without a tedious and cliché love interest, right?) Despite having not seen him in many years, and not even knowing if he was alive for sure, she doesn't seem to have any problem heading off to Rome with the guy and, of course, hopping in the sack. (Sadly, the sex does not consist of him using his "jumping" abilities. What a waste.) Meanwhile, that badass motherfucker Samuel L. Jackson is on the loose, and he wants all those teleporting sons of bitches dead. Normally this would be cause for me to pump my fist in the air with excitement while quoting overused lines from PULP FICTION, but regrettably, that's not the case here. You can almost see the boredom in Jackson's eyes as he blares his dialogue and waits for the movie to end so he can hurry up and cash his check. Maybe it was the Sisqo haircut that did him in. Or maybe it was that the only F-word in the film was wasted on Jamie Bell (who despite doing a decent job is never afforded the opportunity to make anything interesting out of his thankless sidekick role). What's most frustrating about JUMPER, though, isn't the poor acting or lame characters; it's the film's inability to properly combine a cohesive story with engaging action. There is so much untapped potential for this concept, and despite the trailer making it seem like it was being taken full advantage of, the actual action sequences in the film are handled rather sloppily, complete with irritating quick-cut editing and nonsensical character decisions. There are still several cool moments throughout—the double-decker bus scene, shown in the trailer, gives a taste of what can be done with such a dynamic superpower, and then there's a visually arresting chase/fight sequence between Christensen and Bell that takes advantage of the film's many locations—but even then it's nothing compared to what was offered in X2's opening Nightcrawler battle. This begs the question: if you can't outdo in an hour and a half what another movie accomplished in 5 minutes, why bother making the film at all? It certainly doesn't help matters that JUMPER doesn't even have any real resolution, with just about every major plot thread left dangling when the credits roll. It would appear that Doug Liman—director of THE BOURNE IDENTITY and MR. AND MRS. SMITH, in surprisingly weak form here—had assumed he would be given the chance to come back for a sequel. I'm no psychic, but if critic reviews and scant studio support are any indication, the only way this film's limited fanbase will be able to get any closure is if they read the book series on which it's based. On the off chance that there is a sequel, however, I admittedly find myself willing to give it a chance, not so much to find out what happens to the characters as to see if the filmmakers learned from their mistakes from the first go around. It's not that JUMPER is an all and out horrible movie; it's just excessively mediocre, making small mistakes often enough to eventually add up and irritate the shit out of any discerning moviegoers. If you can look past the long list of annoyances and appreciate the small handful of cool action sequences in tow, it makes for a half-decent excuse to go to the cinema. But that's about the extent of it. 2 out of 5